December 30, 2017

A letter to my 2017 self;

Dear self,

Years ago, you have never thought you'd encounter continuous storm, within a year. You never thought life would be that hard, and you'd ever find another level of lowest point of yours.. you never imagine it would be this difficult.

you lose a significant figure.
but many people take turn to fill the love he used to shower you with.

you saw how caring your aunt and uncle have been, something you hardly realize before this. How they always support you, through your thesis moments, through your unemployment phase, and celebrate whenever you hit another tipping point. They were there to fill in Dad's role to accompany you in your graduation, to have a big family dinner, to take picture with the whole family of yours. Just to ensure that you never felt lonely. They have always been there, since you were born in this world. They said they are your second parents because Allah trusted them with so much blessing that they are more capable than raising children; they helped so many people throughout their lives. 

I learned that most of the times, love speaks no language but sincere action.

Remember how your Grandma would go all the way to your remote house, because you got food-poisoned. She never cares how inconvenient it is to ride public bus. How long it takes to finally see her grandchildren. She just, thoughtfully, carries all the foods she cooked so you could eat properly. She never complains how far your house is, no matter she has no money, she always makes sure you don't miss any dinner/lunch. She has always been there. She didn't speak any word when Dad passed away. when most people telling you to be patient, she just hugged you so tight, believing that you could be tawakkal. 

This year you learned how you had always been a self-centered. You focused a lot in how you felt without caring about others. You poured so much of your sadness to people you never know were suffering. 

you learned about what Dad meant when he wished you to be tawakkal.

You learned that not everything could go according to your plan. You learned how to accept that you made mistakes. Moreover, you learned that you were transforming to a full adult, who got to depend on her own. You had to fix the printer by yourself, finding gojek to the bus stop, you chose not to come too late at night, you learned how to be punctual (eventho you are still struggling, even now). Because he won't be here anymore to fix things for you. To be your knight. 

But you learned that he transcended his abundant love and wisdom through every corner of yourself.
And it becomes your sword.

You become aware why he had always prioritized his family. You understood why as a breadwinner, it is mandatory to live humbly. You, painfully, realized how big of a burden he should bear throughout his lives raising you and your brother. As a family, we had no fancy car, we rarely went to have holiday. But our house always filled with laughter and love. 

dear Mama and Babeh, thank you for showing what true love means.

you learned how to overcome hundred rejections, and strive for that one Yes. 

During the period of completing your thesis, you encountered many no's from your second thesis adviser. you changed the theories 6 times, going back and forth from the most mainstream theory into the most complex one--geostrategy, something that not all people can defend when being tested. You, for the first time ever, became a pushover to all people in charge of those whole thesis and graduation things. But you made it. You felt so lonely on your way coming from internship days to campus--back and forth. Being an intern in 3 places at once--a freelancer at a Consulting firm, a project intern in a consulting firm's client, and a UN body. While at the same time, completing your thesis and managing your overly sensitive emotion. You discovered new friendship along the way, you met your BLP group who would accompany your lonely days in Jakarta thru a phone call up til 1 AM. You learned about their darkest corner, you learned abundant knowledge in mechanical engineering, microbiology, IT and marketing. Something that comes free with their friendliness.

you learned that life is way beyond than having a degree.
it requires a good networking.

you went as far as Cengkareng for an interview. Countless cash went out from your mum's pocket just to pay your cost in seeking for jobs. One day you can be perfectly fine and still an ambitious girl that you are, the next day you could cry river until 11 PM. you were so devastated, but eventually you found yourself again.

through two mere sentences.

Jangan bersedih berlebihan seperti orang yang tak punya Iman.

Memang lebih tenang kalau yakin ada Yang Maha Mengatur dan paham bahwa Yang Maha Mengatur tau yang terbaik untuk kita.

You surrendered to Him. That time, you no longer prayed which institution you wanted so bad. You prayed for strength, and you prayed to be a beneficial person wherever you got accepted. Until two days later you got the Yes you had been waiting for.

you, not only got a yes. you got a yes in your dream institution, with a dream job, and truckloads of idealist reasons behind your jobs.

and finally, you understand why it never works for any other applications.

because He loves you. and He is so kind. and He, always, always, knows what is best for you.

today it is still as lonely as any days after 19th of November. But I have moved on from an inconclusive relationship. The experience I obtained throughout the days in seeking for jobs has humbled me in any way possible. I learned to accept loss and perceive it from other angle.

I know week ago it was another emotional breakdown for me. But I have been taught that Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

and finally,

I no longer be a pushover even in praying for something. As I recently grow fond of someone, all I could do is to mention his name in every prayer, wishing Allah could let him live the duaa in his name, and always, always, gets him closer to Allah.

I know it won't be any easier.

But Allah gives the hardest battle to His strongest soldier.

I hope I can be one.

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