June 20, 2017

Kini aku paham,
Pada setiap mimpi dan asa yang menjadi nyata,
Adalah doa-doa yang dipanjatkan Ayah selepas lelahnya,
Adalah munajat Ibu dalam setiap sepertiga malam,
Adalah kesungguhan Adik dalam persinggahannya di rumahNya,
Adalah ucapan tulus orang-orang shaleh yang kemudian diaminkan malaikat

Dan dalam relung yang sendu,
Aku memohon dan mengadu,
Kuingin belajar dekat padaMu

May 19, 2017

Menutup Luka




Banyak yang bilang, bahwa mereka yang kuat seringkali menimbun banyak kesedihan dalam dirinya. Dulu, Mama pernah bilang, mereka yang terlihat bahagia memiliki kemampuan untuk membangun tamengnya sendiri, mengabaikan rasa perihnya dan memilih cara lain untuk menghadapi kehidupan. Belakangan ini aku seringkali dipuji temanku sebagai orang yang kuat. Meski kedengarannya sungguh keren, dan mungkin usahaku untuk membangun citra berhasil, aku malah bertanya-tanya. Apakah benar aku telah pulih dari lukaku? Apakah aku patut memuji diriku atas usahanya?

Dari dulu, hal yang paling ku takuti dari persepsi orang terhadapku adalah dinilai angkuh dan kompetitif. Sebenarnya ngga ada yang salah dengan menjadi kompetitif, tapi aku paling sedih kalau apa yang aku usahakan dinilai hanya untuk bersaing dengan orang lain. Karena lawanku yang sesungguhnya adalah diriku. Selama menyusun skripsi dan menjalani magang di tiga tempat dalam periode yang sama, aku bergelut dengan rasa withdrawal, denial, depression, dan lain sebagainya yang emang sangat negatif. Setiap aku ngerasa sedih, aku selalu inget Babeh, bahwa beliau akan sedih juga kalau melihat aku yang masih diberikan umur oleh Allah bukannya mengoptimalkan segala momen kehidupan. Setiap aku ngerasa putus asa, sebisa mungkin aku langsung menghentikan diriku buat mikir yang ngga berguna dengan berdoa dan berdzikir. Setiap aku dihadapin sama ujian yang datengnya dari manusia, aku berusaha untuk ngga ambil pusing dan lebih memilih untuk memaafkan atau me-yaudahlah-kan kejadian tersebut. Karena Babehku nggak membesarkanku untuk jadi pribadi pendendam, tapi yang selalu meminta maaf terlebih dahulu. Mungkin hal ini juga yang kemudian bikin aku jadi pribadi yang ngga ambil pusing segala hal. Tapi ternyata pelatihan untuk jadi ikhlas ini belum selesai, menurut Allah, mungkin aku belum pantas untuk naik tingkat. Sehingga yang aku tanyakan tiap aku terbangun pagi hari adalah, ya Allah, mampukah aku untuk lebih ikhlas dan belajar tawakal hari ini?

Namun hal yang paling aku sadari adalah, aku jadi ngga bergantung sama orang. Aku ga bisa mengelak kalau aku jadi lebih extrovert, lebih suka menghabiskan waktu bareng teman atau keluarga daripada sendirian. Tapi bukan dalam konteks pencarian solusi. I feel like I can no longer trust anyone but Allah.  I feel like I do not find comfort by telling my stories to people. For the first time, I feel like I can detach myself from people I used to grow fond of. Lalu, luka mana yang berhasil kau tutup, Anisa?

Luka atas sebuah perasaan yang sementara, atas kehendakNya membolak-balikan hati makhluknya.

Luka yang menyesali segala keputusan yang dibuat, luka untuk menerima bahwa beberapa orang ditakdirkan untuk hadir dan mendewasakan, lalu pergi dengan yang lebih membutuhkannya.

Luka atas segala rasa sedih yang tak berkesudahan, dan keengganan untuk memaafkan diri sendiri atas segala kekurangannya.

Luka dari ketidakpercayaan bahwa hidup hanya sementara, dan orang-orang terkasih akan pulang ke tempat yang lebih indah pada akhirnya.

I refuse to wear my wounds on my sleeves.

I will grow into someone who can show people that He will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear,

Someone who spread kindness and cultivate self-worth, who give loves, hopes, she wishes she has.

April 26, 2017

Dad

I miss my Dad. I miss his morning routine of waking me up, asking me what to have for breakfast, and what time would my class be today. I miss staring at him through the window on our family room, contemplating on something I would never know, and sipping a cup of coffee. I miss his random jokes, making fun of me and my brother. I miss listening to his false voices singing some random 80s songs. I miss him, warming the car engine, joking that we'll have another new car in no time. I miss his sudden maneuver of ironing my shirt, catching him washing our clothes on weekends, and being all lazy throughout the day. I miss his random scream when not in the exact time during our favourite football match. I miss him telling me to level up my game when I told him I achieved something, and then getting shocked because his friend suddenly knew what I was up to.

I miss you Dad.

You, who never get tired of picking me up for literally 21 years of my study. You, who always showed compassion and forgiving attitude to people who do bad things to you. You who always respected each and every people equally. You are the man of honor, Dad.

I miss you,

I hope God let you know that.

I will always put my best in achieving your dreams--to be beneficial for others. I hope I can be a good person like you were. I hope every day and night you could watch us growing into a better person.

It hurts to know that you wont be there at my graduation next week. I hope God lend you some privilege to watch me from upstairs. All the fruits you have sowed, you sure deserve to reap it.

I miss you.

I hope you know that to me, you are the world's greatest Dad.

February 23, 2017

Closure

There are people who, no matter how short the time you spent with them, you just cannot seem to escape from life they give within that period.

In the course of four months, I have been living in constant thoughts, of what ifs and rewinding the old movies all over.

And I find it sickening, but it just seems inevitable. I know it's not healthy to invest on the thoughts of what was so wrong with myself, how could I improve myself at that time If there were any chance, or will there ever be any port of ends towards all of this  so called temporary feeling.

Because,

so much to say that I healed myself from the broken heart, I have yet completely gained my strength back to focus more on myself and disregard all the irrelevant feelings, memories, and anxieties which entail. So much to say that I do not expect any of this to resume, I am just in need of closure, and to enable myself to forgive what went wrong and only cherish the good memories back then--without any lingering regrets as to why it should happen at all.

But then again,

how could I forgive myself?

for being too rushy.

for having told myself to just give it a try.

and now here I am.

all drown in my own bewilderment.

I just need a good closure.

So I can move on and forgive myself.

that it was, anyway, good memories, period.

Jakarta, 23rd of February 2017.

-

I know that at one point of my life I am going to thank you for the slight door you opened, for the lesson you let me learn and becoming someone who mattered in my process of growing.

today I am more than relieved to say that I am happy for you.

Thank you for taking part in shaping me into a solid rock that I am today.

Bandung, 26th of April 2017.

February 11, 2017

only when

you hit the rock so hard it shatters you,
and you struggle to assemble the pieces,
and bits by bits it starts to make a sense,
that you can never mend the broken in you,
by being as hard as what hit you,

only when

you got nothing left to hold on,
and the wheel is yet to whirl,
and all there is the broken pieces you refuse to pick up,
that you ought to be everything,
you wish you receive



January 29, 2017

How Could I Not

How could I
not fall in love in the thought of you,
the curve of your smile,
the eagerness in your eyes,
the way you recite my name

How could I
not have your name crossed my mind,
in every second before the eyes shut,
in the brisk of evening winds,
in the warmth of 8 a.m sun,

You are
the thunder of my summer,
the faint line between hopes and lust,
the scratch of lights at the end of the road,

And I
am willing to run in my heels,
in my office attire,
just by seeing you across the street,
and the shape of your eyes,
fixated on me

Because I
can never hold the feeling of seeing you with your
sleeves rolled up to your arm,
the drop of sweat through the lines of your jaw,
with your arms open,

By then
when we are only an arm length,
all the voice there is would assemble,
and whisper,
how could we not fall in love?

January 16, 2017

As the dusk comes and sun sets,
skies began to change its pattern gradually and then all at once,
Like a wing it is, stranded from another side of the earth,
pursing lonely soul with its warmth,
filling every void there is.

And it never becomes any quieter,
the hustle bustle of city life,
running after skyrocketed building's lights,
towards a paving block place,
just at the end of the downtown,
a place you claim as home

Just like that evening when the sun shines through trees branches,
and the wind calmly blows against your messy hair,
over a cold tea,
where we thought we finally find us
and it's safe to call us home

And now I comprehend,
why nature speaks no language
but sensibility
because words are everything
but empty sincerity