November 19, 2017

Persimpangan

Mungkin ia malu, mengaku bahwa ia rindu
Mungkin telah ditimbunnya perasaan merona saat ia salah memahami,
baiknya diri sebagai membuka hati

Mungkin kali ini ia lelah bersembunyi,
mengagumi dalam sunyi,
tenggelam dalam asumsi
Atau mungkin ia berusaha berlari,
mencoba merayu diri,
bahwa rasa itu hanya sebatas memori yang silih berganti

Jika ia berjalan menyusuri malam dengan sinar temaram,
akankah sosoknya menjadi sinar lampu yang menenangkan?
Jika ia berhenti mencari dan percaya akan rahasiaNya,
akankah sosoknya menjadi jawaban dari kehendakNya?
Namun,
Jika ia memutuskan untuk berpaling,
meyakini bahwa ia tak sepadan dengan sosoknya,
akankah ia menyesalinya,
saat ia ragu
di persimpangan?

October 19, 2017

Yang Sulit Diungkapkan

Perasaanmu adalah selembar kertas,
yang terlukis emosi,
kemudian menjadi memori,
membentuk jati diri

Namun, ada kalanya beberapa memori sulit terganti,
meski kertasmu telah berganti,
ia enggan pergi

Apakah mungkin karena terlalu banyak rasa di dalamnya?
ragu yang tak kunjung pergi,
bahagia yang menjadi pahit,
hingga sulit untuk mengenalinya

Ada hal yang sulit diungkapkan,
tak peduli seberapa ingin,
entah ia tertahan oleh rasa kelu,
pada akhirnya ia mengabur,
adakah aku rindu?


October 06, 2017

Lights

Lately I have been confined on the thoughts of how I fail society's expectation towards me. 

They don't believe when I told them I went through a hard time to get a job.
They don't believe me when I told them I didn't do anything remarkable during my unemployment.
They laughed in disbelief, which I saw as amusing to them, and said,
I hope things work out for you.
I thanked them.

I am still that na├»ve Anisa, who, when someone popped me a message asking how I am doing, I considered it as an act of care. And in return, I would answer how I am doing fine and I thanked them for bothering to ask me. 

Phew, that was such a difficult thing to confess, but here I go.

I am currently having mentors, who would send me lots of vacancy through WhatsApp, and would happily schedule a call whenever I need to seek his advice. So let me write on how their presence has repeatedly slapped me. 

I grew up having people around me rooting for my success, well at least to me they look like one. I grew up to their comforting remarks whenever I fail and fell. I grew up with them telling me of how much potentials I have in me and how am I capable to achieve the most unachievable goals I had. That worked, fortunately. But to keep myself inside the loop of people who find it wrong to criticize my deficiencies, to tell me that I need to improve, to tell me that I am nowhere near my goals,

It starts to tear me apart.
Limiting me from expanding my horizon,
That, I should no longer believe in the thought that I was born special.
And I mattered to people.
And I deserved to have big dreams.
Without knowing that I have a lot to catch up.

But my mentor told me a very harsh reality I got to accept as a new normal of reality:

"Nisa, I don't see why people are rooting for you on our last mock  election workshop. You did a good job in delivering your speech though, I wont deny it, but I can see that you are not confident about who you are and what you are saying. Which means, the reason of why they voted for you is because they already know you personally, but to a stranger? I would not trust you to handle my clients had I been them."

"Perhaps it's because I don't see the sparks in yourself whenever you try to express your opinion, everything just seems so dull to you, and it doesn't look like you want to get engaged further in the topic even though I know you can if you want too. How to put it, you seem lost. You are lack of presence."

That hit me hard. No one has ever said that I am lacking of presence. But there I go, I tried to remember of how I am trapped in this Intricate tangle of mystery, for trying to find out what am I doing, what should I do, and what are the things I should pursue. Deep down, I am questioning my worth. Whether I still have the resources to be what I dream to become. Whether dream is still appropriate for me. Have I been building a wrong image of me these whole time? Do I even get any chance left to get up? It is just too complicated.

That's what people say when they avoid answering a question.

But hey at least today, I see a glimpse of light. 

Do I still deserve to have big dreams? Yes only when I invest on the relentless effort to pursue it, and is willing to be patient for whatever comes in between. But, do I have what it takes to be what I dream of becoming? No, at least for now, I have a lot to catch up and need to speed up, because slowing down only means I am giving in.

It does not matter how people perceive me. It does not matter whether I fail their expectation. It does not matter if the whole orchestra turning their back against me. Because the only thing that matters, the thing that I should hold on to is,

to have faith in Him.

That no matter how hard it seems, no matter how impossible it is for me to escape from the catastrophe, this only happens because He gives me the capacity to go through it. To break free from the sadness, which actually, is not that big of a deal compared to what Prophet Yusuf went through. 

Yesterday, someone I just knew said to me,

Lebih tenang memang kalau yakin ada Yang Mengatur, dan paham kalau Yang Mengatur tau yang terbaik untuk kita.

Sometimes, Allah delivers His message through the most unexpected occasion, through someone you did not even imagine of coming.


Belajar memahami maksud Tuhan

Aku ingin memahami maksudNya,
tentang teka-teki di balik kesulitan hidup
tentang jawaban doaNya
tentang rencana indahNya

Aku ingin memahami maksudNya
agar aku menjadi ikhlas ketika kalah
agar aku bisa langsung bangkit berlari kembali
agar aku tau bahwa dalam hidup,
perjuangan tak pernah usai

Tuhan,
tak sampai hatiku untuk mengeluh lelah
ketika banyak sekali dari hambaMu yang berjuang dengan lillah,
ketika sebegitu banyaknya nikmat Kau beri padaku,
namun aku selalu kufur akannya

Tuhan,
kelu lidahku untuk memohon kepadaMu,
karena semakin hari aku semakin merasa tidak pantas atas mimpi-mimpiku,
dan juga diriku

Namun dari setiap kepedihan yang ku telan,
aku tau mengapa masih mampu bertahan,
karena telah kau bentangkan nikmat sehatMu untukku
telah Kau pinjamkan aku kekuatan untuk melaluinya,
hingga pertanyaan selanjutnya,
mampukah aku untuk belajar ikhlas memahami maksudMu?

August 23, 2017

To The Ends

There is this thing for being stripped naked, completely surrendered to our own feelings--to accept that we are vulnerable, and appear so. It is the feeling of ashamed, unease and being in constant denial to our own self. Mel Robbins once said on her TedxSF,

"when you want something, you will never feel like it, that's why you must not listen to your feelings, but understand what you aspire to become."

Often times we took the word Fine for granted. In my case, I am afraid of not being listened to when I surrender by saying I am not fine. I am afraid of being an object of their curiosity instead of subject of attention. I am afraid of appearing fragile, when some of them may expect so much of me. The solid rock Anisa. I am afraid of failing their expectation and knowing their true colors.

I never beg for answers, though. Most of the times when I share my stories all I expect in return is as simple as,

"it's okay when you stumble on a pit, and you found out it's so dark so you ought to depend on yourself, you just need to enjoy the detour on your way to your goals."

In fact, I am exhausted of being expectant that things are gonna get better eventually. It is as if I am in my worst situation and the only way out is to wait for the time. And while on it, I am permitted to feel like a complete garbage because this phase of life is  the downside of me.

How can I accept myself as a whole? that even when things went south I am sill rocking every seconds of it. Because I stay true to myself. Because I believe in myself. In fact, how to actually survive? Does this sound desperate enough? :')

But then again, the road is long, what devastates me the most is in fact, being an addict in comparing myself to other people's achievements, timing, and basically all the good things I happen to see in them. While it is true that people only show what they want to be perceived, I find this very toxic because I am being very subjective. I happen to be too hard on myself, being ignorant to their struggles, I find my life is a complete opposite to theirs, and at any point I am ready to be wrecked. But then what I forgot is, we all are struggling in some ways.

Some people who already got settled financially and personally, might envy the free spirit youths who are carefree and happy to be risk takers and adventurous--because they don't have many things on their plate. But the carefree youths are envy of the teenagers because it is still long until the transition live of theirs to adulthood. And the cycle goes on.

What I'm saying is, while we are pretty much well-informed that timing works differently for everyone, our perception bias does too. I too, need to be objective when seeing other people's achievements, by not being mean to myself. It might seem one night magic to me but it might truly a long hurdles to them. This too, applies when I happen to regret my decision. Had I opted to take the offer from Faculty of Law, the yellow campus gave me, it is not definite that things might work out better for me. It might be harder, or maybe easier. But then I might not learn the same takeaways. I might not be what I am today.

So this is what I am saying,

While it is very stressful to be a slave to timeline and others' gardens, completely ditching our efforts all this time, it might as well be so damn hard to enjoy the things you think should not have happened to you. The I should've been further ahead, It should've been easier for me etc. Don't be a despie who surrender to failure and actually fail your entire capacity just because things are not working well these days. Failure is indeed a joker to our heroic storyline, so how to fight a joker? Being a jackass Batman that we can. When we are stuck, trapped in a dark pit with no shortcut ladders to escape, freaking believe in miracle that God will lend you a wing so you can escape from there. Because, just like how all of our Prophets manage to escape from hardships through their strong faith in Allah, we too, are able to pass the challenge when we have faith in Him.

Do not dwell in negative thoughts.

Because Allah works according to our perceptions towards Him.


July 25, 2017

90.

To think that I did okay during college, is probably the most foolish thought.

I am nowhere near good.

Days before my thesis defense, I got super panicked, anxious, and a little stressed out, all because of a thought that I haven't done enough. I did not give my best during college--in fact, all my life I have never been hardworking enough to escape from my own shortcoming. To cross bridges of my own garden. To overcome my fear of being found out as a fraud. And perhaps that's why I never fancy compliments. It makes me laid back. And I disdain being comfortable--I fancy being worn out in challenges and comments. It grows me. It lets me know that I am nothing.

Oh, how I wish I really grow.

Today I realize I was too comfortable in my own zone--I barely even move forward. In the so called era where a 20-year-old person would've started a start-up on their own, I wasted my college days by thinking I've done enough. Truth is, even though wheels will keep whirling, we hold account on the wheel. At least, if I've had run so hard I no longer feel my thigh, at least if I've had worked so hard and so smart I bleed my nose every night, I would not have questioned my own worth.

Because at least at one point of my life I have worked hard enough to grow.

But regrets always come at last. I do not want to dwell on negative thoughts, because I do not want to exacerbate my emotional condition, but it comes at me before I can even find any shield. It's so frustrating because I can no longer become the 18 year old me who loved to turn something as a scapegoat for her failures. Today, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

They say, you got to burn to shine.

Does the fire in me so far, fail to suffice the amount myself needs to finally shine and not become an ash?

At least I can concede to the fact that I am just a mediocre person who struggles to find any worth left in herself.

July 04, 2017

THE TURNOVER

As the sound of car honks and train collide, Amy hushed to herself, ah this city never fails to be a little peaceful. Not two years ago and not today. It was the year when Amy encapsulated herself in the thought that she could handle it all by herself, and she did not need any help from anyone. She just encountered an emotional turbulence by the end of her seventh term, when she conceded that she must be strong for herself. Some of her friends would call her Abbott, because her stubbornness resembled Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott, though not in the parallel way.

As she is waiting for her departure to Bandung, she gets taken aback to two years ago. On the day just like this, when drizzles fell and the shine of sun peek in through tree branches.

-

"Would you mind if I sit here?" a man with tan skin, 6'1 tall, a rather hooded eyes, with a cup of Asian Dolce Latte on his right hand and stacks of papers on his right.
Amy did a quick scan of his features, after seconds she awkwardly responded "Sure, it's vacant"
It's kind of awkward to have a stranger sit before you in a small table, it made both of them exchanged many glances, as if it's a sin not to make a contact. But the coffee shop was really crowded and Amy was too preoccupied with her internship assignment, so she did not mind. She was so fixed on the screen when the man before him tried to catch her attention,
"Um, sorry, I think you got a call"
"Uh yes sure, thanks." at this rate, she cannot really answer the phone due to the sounds of laughter coming from a group of girls just few meters after her. "Um, do you mind if I go outside a minute, I mean, could you keep a look on my stuffs?" Okay that was unstructured, but who cares. Her supervisor is calling her and she knows it's emergency.
"Sure,"

Turned out her SPV would like her to attend the weekly meeting she has with the regional team, and it's running in 15 minutes. "I need you to explain about the overall content of the proposals," Knowing that her spv is the least demanding superior she ever has in her life, she just cannot say no. So she said yes, and came back to her table when she realized her laptop battery is going to die in 10 minutes. "Oh crap" she glanced over the man before him, without second thought she intruded his serenity,
"Excuse me, I know this is very rude at our first encounter, and the fact that I didn't know your name just turned me into the last person you'd like to have a second encounter with, but I gotta attend an urgent meeting on skype in 10miuntes but my laptop is dying and I didn't bring my charger...." She inhales a long breath. the man before him looks at her like she was some sort of politician trying to pass a bill. Just before she'd continue,
"I'm Dean and sure, I'm not in a hurry myself, you can use my laptop."
It was the coolest response she'd ever hear from a stranger, but she got no time to get mesmerized so she exclaimed
"OMG may God showers you with His endless blessing, can we exchange our seat?"
He moves voluntarily with his papers on his chest. "Oh and I'm Amy," she reaches out her hand and he shakes it gently.

And so it became the moment which has been haunting Amy's nights. And every time she is amidst a crowd. While she commutes and when she is alone entertaining herself on Netflix. And in every corner of the road, where the lights from the sky crapper would draw a shadow, she just cannot delete that chapter of her life.

-

Little did they know, God works in a way which can never be comprehended by human's mediocre intelligence. On how of all tables, he randomly approached her, and on how of all occasion she forgot to bring her charger that day. Malcolm Gladwell would call this as an outlier encounter. From that day onward, Amy and Dean would accidentally meet in the coffee shop, at least thrice in a week. Be it in a queue for a takeaway or during post working hour when either one of them is seated in the corner of the shop with their eyes fixed on screen.

Amy never takes a serious thought on strangers. No matter how captivating their features are, Amy always happens to forget their name by the beginning of the other day. Amy labels herself as someone who would only fall for the depth of talks they have, or the attitude one exhibits in daily occasions.

Dean, on the other hand, is someone who loves to engage in any random discussion with just anyone he meets. Though he would not spend hours to ponder on the person afterward, he is that kind of person who remember people's name and what associates them. He never took falling for someone as an ends, he always sees it as a means to his self-discovery journey. Falling in love helps you to know yourself better.

With their contradicting preferences, they got friendly easier. They did not begin their first long conversation by mentioning a name of an acquaintance, but a blunt comment of their first impression toward each other.

"I thought you are very reserved that you wont take a second thought on responding to my queries," Said Amy as she thanked Dean for the laptop.
"I thought you take pride greatly that you would rather run over to your friend's closest apartment rather than asking a stranger for a laptop," as he curved a crescent shape by his lips, and his hooded eyes went deeper under the shadow of his forehead. Dean has a clear eyes with pure black iris. A kind you would like to get drown in as you talk to him.
Amy lets out a heavy sigh as she responded, "Ugh so classic of me, haha"
They both let out a laughter. The conversation goes on as Dean's Asian Dolce Latte flavor mixed with the melting ice cubes.

From that day onwards, Dean empties his schedule every post-working hour and Saturday evening.
From that day onwards, Amy never forgets to put on her coral lipcover on two layers, at the washroom of her office, just before she left the building.

-
to be continued.