July 25, 2017

90.

To think that I did okay during college, is probably the most foolish thought.

I am nowhere near good.

Days before my thesis defense, I got super panicked, anxious, and a little stressed out, all because of a thought that I haven't done enough. I did not give my best during college--in fact, all my life I have never been hardworking enough to escape from my own shortcoming. To cross bridges of my own garden. To overcome my fear of being found out as a fraud. And perhaps that's why I never fancy compliments. It makes me laid back. And I disdain being comfortable--I fancy being worn out in challenges and comments. It grows me. It lets me know that I am nothing.

Oh, how I wish I really grow.

Today I realize I was too comfortable in my own zone--I barely even move forward. In the so called era where a 20-year-old person would've started a start-up on their own, I wasted my college days by thinking I've done enough. Truth is, even though wheels will keep whirling, we hold account on the wheel. At least, if I've had run so hard I no longer feel my thigh, at least if I've had worked so hard and so smart I bleed my nose every night, I would not have questioned my own worth.

Because at least at one point of my life I have worked hard enough to grow.

But regrets always come at last. I do not want to dwell on negative thoughts, because I do not want to exacerbate my emotional condition, but it comes at me before I can even find any shield. It's so frustrating because I can no longer become the 18 year old me who loved to turn something as a scapegoat for her failures. Today, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

They say, you got to burn to shine.

Does the fire in me so far, fail to suffice the amount myself needs to finally shine and not become an ash?

At least I can concede to the fact that I am just a mediocre person who struggles to find any worth left in herself.

July 04, 2017

THE TURNOVER

As the sound of car honks and train collide, Amy hushed to herself, ah this city never fails to be a little peaceful. Not two years ago and not today. It was the year when Amy encapsulated herself in the thought that she could handle it all by herself, and she did not need any help from anyone. She just encountered an emotional turbulence by the end of her seventh term, when she conceded that she must be strong for herself. Some of her friends would call her Abbott, because her stubbornness resembled Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott, though not in the parallel way.

As she is waiting for her departure to Bandung, she gets taken aback to two years ago. On the day just like this, when drizzles fell and the shine of sun peek in through tree branches.

-

"Would you mind if I sit here?" a man with tan skin, 6'1 tall, a rather hooded eyes, with a cup of Asian Dolce Latte on his right hand and stacks of papers on his right.
Amy did a quick scan of his features, after seconds she awkwardly responded "Sure, it's vacant"
It's kind of awkward to have a stranger sit before you in a small table, it made both of them exchanged many glances, as if it's a sin not to make a contact. But the coffee shop was really crowded and Amy was too preoccupied with her internship assignment, so she did not mind. She was so fixed on the screen when the man before him tried to catch her attention,
"Um, sorry, I think you got a call"
"Uh yes sure, thanks." at this rate, she cannot really answer the phone due to the sounds of laughter coming from a group of girls just few meters after her. "Um, do you mind if I go outside a minute, I mean, could you keep a look on my stuffs?" Okay that was unstructured, but who cares. Her supervisor is calling her and she knows it's emergency.
"Sure,"

Turned out her SPV would like her to attend the weekly meeting she has with the regional team, and it's running in 15 minutes. "I need you to explain about the overall content of the proposals," Knowing that her spv is the least demanding superior she ever has in her life, she just cannot say no. So she said yes, and came back to her table when she realized her laptop battery is going to die in 10 minutes. "Oh crap" she glanced over the man before him, without second thought she intruded his serenity,
"Excuse me, I know this is very rude at our first encounter, and the fact that I didn't know your name just turned me into the last person you'd like to have a second encounter with, but I gotta attend an urgent meeting on skype in 10miuntes but my laptop is dying and I didn't bring my charger...." She inhales a long breath. the man before him looks at her like she was some sort of politician trying to pass a bill. Just before she'd continue,
"I'm Dean and sure, I'm not in a hurry myself, you can use my laptop."
It was the coolest response she'd ever hear from a stranger, but she got no time to get mesmerized so she exclaimed
"OMG may God showers you with His endless blessing, can we exchange our seat?"
He moves voluntarily with his papers on his chest. "Oh and I'm Amy," she reaches out her hand and he shakes it gently.

And so it became the moment which has been haunting Amy's nights. And every time she is amidst a crowd. While she commutes and when she is alone entertaining herself on Netflix. And in every corner of the road, where the lights from the sky crapper would draw a shadow, she just cannot delete that chapter of her life.

-

Little did they know, God works in a way which can never be comprehended by human's mediocre intelligence. On how of all tables, he randomly approached her, and on how of all occasion she forgot to bring her charger that day. Malcolm Gladwell would call this as an outlier encounter. From that day onward, Amy and Dean would accidentally meet in the coffee shop, at least thrice in a week. Be it in a queue for a takeaway or during post working hour when either one of them is seated in the corner of the shop with their eyes fixed on screen.

Amy never takes a serious thought on strangers. No matter how captivating their features are, Amy always happens to forget their name by the beginning of the other day. Amy labels herself as someone who would only fall for the depth of talks they have, or the attitude one exhibits in daily occasions.

Dean, on the other hand, is someone who loves to engage in any random discussion with just anyone he meets. Though he would not spend hours to ponder on the person afterward, he is that kind of person who remember people's name and what associates them. He never took falling for someone as an ends, he always sees it as a means to his self-discovery journey. Falling in love helps you to know yourself better.

With their contradicting preferences, they got friendly easier. They did not begin their first long conversation by mentioning a name of an acquaintance, but a blunt comment of their first impression toward each other.

"I thought you are very reserved that you wont take a second thought on responding to my queries," Said Amy as she thanked Dean for the laptop.
"I thought you take pride greatly that you would rather run over to your friend's closest apartment rather than asking a stranger for a laptop," as he curved a crescent shape by his lips, and his hooded eyes went deeper under the shadow of his forehead. Dean has a clear eyes with pure black iris. A kind you would like to get drown in as you talk to him.
Amy lets out a heavy sigh as she responded, "Ugh so classic of me, haha"
They both let out a laughter. The conversation goes on as Dean's Asian Dolce Latte flavor mixed with the melting ice cubes.

From that day onwards, Dean empties his schedule every post-working hour and Saturday evening.
From that day onwards, Amy never forgets to put on her coral lipcover on two layers, at the washroom of her office, just before she left the building.

-
to be continued.

 

July 03, 2017

Faith

To believe in something you are unable to see.
To hold on no matter how long for the lights by the end of the tunnel,
To surrender for the fact that we are nothing

-

For so long, I had been captivated by my own thought--that I am good to go. That I can leave anything which no longer excites me or put that on my least priority. I decided to go when the door was yet to close. I buried all pains and sorrow at the loneliest corner of myself. I showed the world how strong I could appear to be--by shedding no tears and showering them with apology and gratitude. I thought I am good to go.

I covered myself with shield, so that people realize I have a heart as spacious as an ocean. That I will be the first one who reach out to offer a help, regardless I am about to drown. So when someone actually pulled over to accompany, I hide in my own jungle and told them I am good on my own. One, two, three of them decided to pull back. I told myself in the loudest silence, I am not going to settle.

I know I can always be a push over to those who pulled over. I know I can always tag them along, and appear as needy and hopeless as I can. But I lose faith in words and its sincerity. I lose faith in gimmicks and sugarcoating statements. I lose faith in people who are still wandering around and mistaken me for their home.

As I opened my eyes this morning, I know I have nowhere to go but Him.

I finally know why have I been so stubborn to be independent,

Because I rely on Him.

June 20, 2017

Kini aku paham,
Pada setiap mimpi dan asa yang menjadi nyata,
Adalah doa-doa yang dipanjatkan Ayah selepas lelahnya,
Adalah munajat Ibu dalam setiap sepertiga malam,
Adalah kesungguhan Adik dalam persinggahannya di rumahNya,
Adalah ucapan tulus orang-orang shaleh yang kemudian diaminkan malaikat

Dan dalam relung yang sendu,
Aku memohon dan mengadu,
Kuingin belajar dekat padaMu

May 19, 2017

Menutup Luka




Banyak yang bilang, bahwa mereka yang kuat seringkali menimbun banyak kesedihan dalam dirinya. Dulu, Mama pernah bilang, mereka yang terlihat bahagia memiliki kemampuan untuk membangun tamengnya sendiri, mengabaikan rasa perihnya dan memilih cara lain untuk menghadapi kehidupan. Belakangan ini aku seringkali dipuji temanku sebagai orang yang kuat. Meski kedengarannya sungguh keren, dan mungkin usahaku untuk membangun citra berhasil, aku malah bertanya-tanya. Apakah benar aku telah pulih dari lukaku? Apakah aku patut memuji diriku atas usahanya?

Dari dulu, hal yang paling ku takuti dari persepsi orang terhadapku adalah dinilai angkuh dan kompetitif. Sebenarnya ngga ada yang salah dengan menjadi kompetitif, tapi aku paling sedih kalau apa yang aku usahakan dinilai hanya untuk bersaing dengan orang lain. Karena lawanku yang sesungguhnya adalah diriku. Selama menyusun skripsi dan menjalani magang di tiga tempat dalam periode yang sama, aku bergelut dengan rasa withdrawal, denial, depression, dan lain sebagainya yang emang sangat negatif. Setiap aku ngerasa sedih, aku selalu inget Babeh, bahwa beliau akan sedih juga kalau melihat aku yang masih diberikan umur oleh Allah bukannya mengoptimalkan segala momen kehidupan. Setiap aku ngerasa putus asa, sebisa mungkin aku langsung menghentikan diriku buat mikir yang ngga berguna dengan berdoa dan berdzikir. Setiap aku dihadapin sama ujian yang datengnya dari manusia, aku berusaha untuk ngga ambil pusing dan lebih memilih untuk memaafkan atau me-yaudahlah-kan kejadian tersebut. Karena Babehku nggak membesarkanku untuk jadi pribadi pendendam, tapi yang selalu meminta maaf terlebih dahulu. Mungkin hal ini juga yang kemudian bikin aku jadi pribadi yang ngga ambil pusing segala hal. Tapi ternyata pelatihan untuk jadi ikhlas ini belum selesai, menurut Allah, mungkin aku belum pantas untuk naik tingkat. Sehingga yang aku tanyakan tiap aku terbangun pagi hari adalah, ya Allah, mampukah aku untuk lebih ikhlas dan belajar tawakal hari ini?

Namun hal yang paling aku sadari adalah, aku jadi ngga bergantung sama orang. Aku ga bisa mengelak kalau aku jadi lebih extrovert, lebih suka menghabiskan waktu bareng teman atau keluarga daripada sendirian. Tapi bukan dalam konteks pencarian solusi. I feel like I can no longer trust anyone but Allah.  I feel like I do not find comfort by telling my stories to people. For the first time, I feel like I can detach myself from people I used to grow fond of. Lalu, luka mana yang berhasil kau tutup, Anisa?

Luka atas sebuah perasaan yang sementara, atas kehendakNya membolak-balikan hati makhluknya.

Luka yang menyesali segala keputusan yang dibuat, luka untuk menerima bahwa beberapa orang ditakdirkan untuk hadir dan mendewasakan, lalu pergi dengan yang lebih membutuhkannya.

Luka atas segala rasa sedih yang tak berkesudahan, dan keengganan untuk memaafkan diri sendiri atas segala kekurangannya.

Luka dari ketidakpercayaan bahwa hidup hanya sementara, dan orang-orang terkasih akan pulang ke tempat yang lebih indah pada akhirnya.

I refuse to wear my wounds on my sleeves.

I will grow into someone who can show people that He will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear,

Someone who spread kindness and cultivate self-worth, who give loves, hopes, she wishes she has.

April 26, 2017

Dad

I miss my Dad. I miss his morning routine of waking me up, asking me what to have for breakfast, and what time would my class be today. I miss staring at him through the window on our family room, contemplating on something I would never know, and sipping a cup of coffee. I miss his random jokes, making fun of me and my brother. I miss listening to his false voices singing some random 80s songs. I miss him, warming the car engine, joking that we'll have another new car in no time. I miss his sudden maneuver of ironing my shirt, catching him washing our clothes on weekends, and being all lazy throughout the day. I miss his random scream when not in the exact time during our favourite football match. I miss him telling me to level up my game when I told him I achieved something, and then getting shocked because his friend suddenly knew what I was up to.

I miss you Dad.

You, who never get tired of picking me up for literally 21 years of my study. You, who always showed compassion and forgiving attitude to people who do bad things to you. You who always respected each and every people equally. You are the man of honor, Dad.

I miss you,

I hope God let you know that.

I will always put my best in achieving your dreams--to be beneficial for others. I hope I can be a good person like you were. I hope every day and night you could watch us growing into a better person.

It hurts to know that you wont be there at my graduation next week. I hope God lend you some privilege to watch me from upstairs. All the fruits you have sowed, you sure deserve to reap it.

I miss you.

I hope you know that to me, you are the world's greatest Dad.

February 23, 2017

Closure

There are people who, no matter how short the time you spent with them, you just cannot seem to escape from life they give within that period.

In the course of four months, I have been living in constant thoughts, of what ifs and rewinding the old movies all over.

And I find it sickening, but it just seems inevitable. I know it's not healthy to invest on the thoughts of what was so wrong with myself, how could I improve myself at that time If there were any chance, or will there ever be any port of ends towards all of this  so called temporary feeling.

Because,

so much to say that I healed myself from the broken heart, I have yet completely gained my strength back to focus more on myself and disregard all the irrelevant feelings, memories, and anxieties which entail. So much to say that I do not expect any of this to resume, I am just in need of closure, and to enable myself to forgive what went wrong and only cherish the good memories back then--without any lingering regrets as to why it should happen at all.

But then again,

how could I forgive myself?

for being too rushy.

for having told myself to just give it a try.

and now here I am.

all drown in my own bewilderment.

I just need a good closure.

So I can move on and forgive myself.

that it was, anyway, good memories, period.

Jakarta, 23rd of February 2017.

-

I know that at one point of my life I am going to thank you for the slight door you opened, for the lesson you let me learn and becoming someone who mattered in my process of growing.

today I am more than relieved to say that I am happy for you.

Thank you for taking part in shaping me into a solid rock that I am today.

Bandung, 26th of April 2017.