Lights

Lately I have been confined on the thoughts of how I fail society's expectation towards me. 

They don't believe when I told them I went through a hard time to get a job.

They don't believe me when I told them I didn't do anything remarkable during my unemployment.

They laughed in disbelief, which I saw as amusing to them, and said,

I hope things work out for you.

I thanked them.

I am still that naïve Anisa, who, when someone popped me a message asking how I am doing, I considered it as an act of care. And in return, I would answer how I am doing fine and I thanked them for bothering to ask me. 

Phew, that was such a difficult thing to confess, but here I go.

I am currently having mentors, who would send me lots of vacancy through WhatsApp, and would happily schedule a call whenever I need to seek his advice. So let me write on how their presence has repeatedly slapped me. 

I grew up having people around me rooting for my success, well at least to me they look like one. I grew up to their comforting remarks whenever I fail and fell. I grew up with them telling me of how much potentials I have in me and how am I capable to achieve the most unachievable goals I had. That worked, fortunately. But to keep myself inside the loop of people who find it wrong to criticize my deficiencies, to tell me that I need to improve, to tell me that I am nowhere near my goals,

It starts to tear me apart.

Limiting me from expanding my horizon,

That, I should no longer believe in the thought that I was born special.

And I mattered to people.

And I deserved to have big dreams.

Without knowing that I have a lot to catch up.

But my mentor told me a very harsh reality I got to accept as a new normal of reality:

"Nisa, I don't see why people are rooting for you on our last mock  election workshop. You did a good job in delivering your speech though, I wont deny it, but I can see that you are not confident about who you are and what you are saying. Which means, the reason of why they voted for you is because they already know you personally, but to a stranger? I would not trust you to handle my clients had I been them."

"Perhaps it's because I don't see the sparks in yourself whenever you try to express your opinion, everything just seems so dull to you, and it doesn't look like you want to get engaged further in the topic even though I know you can if you want too. How to put it, you seem lost. You are lack of presence."

That hit me hard. No one has ever said that I am lacking of presence. But there I go, I tried to remember of how I am trapped in this Intricate tangle of mystery, for trying to find out what am I doing, what should I do, and what are the things I should pursue. Deep down, I am questioning my worth. Whether I still have the resources to be what I dream to become. Whether dream is still appropriate for me. Have I been building a wrong image of me these whole time? Do I even get any chance left to get up? It is just too complicated.

That's what people say when they avoid answering a question.

But hey at least today, I see a glimpse of light. 

Do I still deserve to have big dreams? Yes only when I invest on the relentless effort to pursue it, and is willing to be patient for whatever comes in between. But, do I have what it takes to be what I dream of becoming? No, at least for now, I have a lot to catch up and need to speed up, because slowing down only means I am giving in.

It does not matter how people perceive me. It does not matter whether I fail their expectation. It does not matter if the whole orchestra turning their back against me. Because the only thing that matters, the thing that I should hold on to is,

to have faith in Him.

That no matter how hard it seems, no matter how impossible it is for me to escape from the catastrophe, this only happens because He gives me the capacity to go through it. To break free from the sadness, which actually, is not that big of a deal compared to what Prophet Yusuf went through. 

Yesterday, someone I just knew said to me,

Lebih tenang memang kalau yakin ada Yang Mengatur, dan paham kalau Yang Mengatur tau yang terbaik untuk kita.

Sometimes, Allah delivers His message through the most unexpected occasion, through someone you did not even imagine of coming.