"when you want something, you will never feel like it, that's why you must not listen to your feelings, but understand what you aspire to become."
Often times we took the word Fine for granted. In my case, I am afraid of not being listened to when I surrender by saying I am not fine. I am afraid of being an object of their curiosity instead of subject of attention. I am afraid of appearing fragile, when some of them may expect so much of me. The solid rock Anisa. I am afraid of failing their expectation and knowing their true colors.
I never beg for answers, though. Most of the times when I share my stories all I expect in return is as simple as,
"it's okay when you stumble on a pit, and you found out it's so dark so you ought to depend on yourself, you just need to enjoy the detour on your way to your goals."
In fact, I am exhausted of being expectant that things are gonna get better eventually. It is as if I am in my worst situation and the only way out is to wait for the time. And while on it, I am permitted to feel like a complete garbage because this phase of life is the downside of me.
"it's okay when you stumble on a pit, and you found out it's so dark so you ought to depend on yourself, you just need to enjoy the detour on your way to your goals."
In fact, I am exhausted of being expectant that things are gonna get better eventually. It is as if I am in my worst situation and the only way out is to wait for the time. And while on it, I am permitted to feel like a complete garbage because this phase of life is the downside of me.
How can I accept myself as a whole? that even when things went south I am sill rocking every seconds of it. Because I stay true to myself. Because I believe in myself. In fact, how to actually survive? Does this sound desperate enough? :')
But then again, the road is long, what devastates me the most is in fact, being an addict in comparing myself to other people's achievements, timing, and basically all the good things I happen to see in them. While it is true that people only show what they want to be perceived, I find this very toxic because I am being very subjective. I happen to be too hard on myself, being ignorant to their struggles, I find my life is a complete opposite to theirs, and at any point I am ready to be wrecked. But then what I forgot is, we all are struggling in some ways.
Some people who already got settled financially and personally, might envy the free spirit youths who are carefree and happy to be risk takers and adventurous--because they don't have many things on their plate. But the carefree youths are envy of the teenagers because it is still long until the transition live of theirs to adulthood. And the cycle goes on.
What I'm saying is, while we are pretty much well-informed that timing works differently for everyone, our perception bias does too. I too, need to be objective when seeing other people's achievements, by not being mean to myself. It might seem one night magic to me but it might truly a long hurdles to them. This too, applies when I happen to regret my decision. Had I opted to take the offer from Faculty of Law, the yellow campus gave me, it is not definite that things might work out better for me. It might be harder, or maybe easier. But then I might not learn the same takeaways. I might not be what I am today.
So this is what I am saying,
While it is very stressful to be a slave to timeline and others' gardens, completely ditching our efforts all this time, it might as well be so damn hard to enjoy the things you think should not have happened to you. The I should've been further ahead, It should've been easier for me etc. Don't be a despie who surrender to failure and actually fail your entire capacity just because things are not working well these days. Failure is indeed a joker to our heroic storyline, so how to fight a joker? Being a jackass Batman that we can. When we are stuck, trapped in a dark pit with no shortcut ladders to escape, freaking believe in miracle that God will lend you a wing so you can escape from there. Because, just like how all of our Prophets manage to escape from hardships through their strong faith in Allah, we too, are able to pass the challenge when we have faith in Him.
Do not dwell in negative thoughts.
Because Allah works according to our perceptions towards Him.
But then again, the road is long, what devastates me the most is in fact, being an addict in comparing myself to other people's achievements, timing, and basically all the good things I happen to see in them. While it is true that people only show what they want to be perceived, I find this very toxic because I am being very subjective. I happen to be too hard on myself, being ignorant to their struggles, I find my life is a complete opposite to theirs, and at any point I am ready to be wrecked. But then what I forgot is, we all are struggling in some ways.
Some people who already got settled financially and personally, might envy the free spirit youths who are carefree and happy to be risk takers and adventurous--because they don't have many things on their plate. But the carefree youths are envy of the teenagers because it is still long until the transition live of theirs to adulthood. And the cycle goes on.
What I'm saying is, while we are pretty much well-informed that timing works differently for everyone, our perception bias does too. I too, need to be objective when seeing other people's achievements, by not being mean to myself. It might seem one night magic to me but it might truly a long hurdles to them. This too, applies when I happen to regret my decision. Had I opted to take the offer from Faculty of Law, the yellow campus gave me, it is not definite that things might work out better for me. It might be harder, or maybe easier. But then I might not learn the same takeaways. I might not be what I am today.
So this is what I am saying,
While it is very stressful to be a slave to timeline and others' gardens, completely ditching our efforts all this time, it might as well be so damn hard to enjoy the things you think should not have happened to you. The I should've been further ahead, It should've been easier for me etc. Don't be a despie who surrender to failure and actually fail your entire capacity just because things are not working well these days. Failure is indeed a joker to our heroic storyline, so how to fight a joker? Being a jackass Batman that we can. When we are stuck, trapped in a dark pit with no shortcut ladders to escape, freaking believe in miracle that God will lend you a wing so you can escape from there. Because, just like how all of our Prophets manage to escape from hardships through their strong faith in Allah, we too, are able to pass the challenge when we have faith in Him.
Do not dwell in negative thoughts.
Because Allah works according to our perceptions towards Him.
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