90.

To think that I did okay during college, is probably the most foolish thought.

I am nowhere near good.

Days before my thesis defense, I got super panicked, anxious, and a little stressed out, all because of a thought that I haven't done enough. I did not give my best during college--in fact, all my life I have never been hardworking enough to escape from my own shortcoming. To cross bridges of my own garden. To overcome my fear of being found out as a fraud. And perhaps that's why I never fancy compliments. It makes me laid back. And I disdain being comfortable--I fancy being worn out in challenges and comments. It grows me. It lets me know that I am nothing.

Oh, how I wish I really grow.

Today I realize I was too comfortable in my own zone--I barely even move forward. In the so called era where a 20-year-old person would've started a start-up on their own, I wasted my college days by thinking I've done enough. Truth is, even though wheels will keep whirling, we hold account on the wheel. At least, if I've had run so hard I no longer feel my thigh, at least if I've had worked so hard and so smart I bleed my nose every night, I would not have questioned my own worth.

Because at least at one point of my life I have worked hard enough to grow.

But regrets always come at last. I do not want to dwell on negative thoughts, because I do not want to exacerbate my emotional condition, but it comes at me before I can even find any shield. It's so frustrating because I can no longer become the 18 year old me who loved to turn something as a scapegoat for her failures. Today, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

They say, you got to burn to shine.

Does the fire in me so far, fail to suffice the amount myself needs to finally shine and not become an ash?

At least I can concede to the fact that I am just a mediocre person who struggles to find any worth left in herself.