November

I experienced a permanent broken heart just recently. A piece of my heart is taken, and can never be replaced with anyone. 

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I thought I just did a great job mending the broken in me after struggling to love a person whose presence started to grow me apart. Who rather pushed me to the edge of his comfort zone, without bothering to realize I was holding on so tightly I almost fell. Just when I thought everything was too good to be true, life slapped me and told me it was never meant to be easy. No exact puzzle can be found accidentally among the circle I've grown up in. In friends I used to seek for refuge. On people I thought could make things work out--despite all the differences that exist. Despite the ugly truth behind the struggle to fight for the things we did not even know its value. And just when I thought that was another life challenge I got to face, I realized I no longer knew who I was, or from where should I gather the courage to make it last. Because every pieces of me were shattered, in the thought of feeling I was not worthwhile for someone. 

I kept on digging what to offer, until I realize I never had anything he needed because we are just not meant to be.

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Just two weeks after I found myself again, I was literally shattered into pieces by the departure of my father. He left for good to the unearthly place up there, through the most beautiful way possible, as painless and quiet as anything could, to be with The One who own him. I used to think what does it feel to lose someone who raised me all along. I used to think I would never afford on losing that I would faint a hundred times and spent my days and night crying in desperation. For being unable to change the things that is out of my capacity, which can never be returned even if I asked God to take all the material things I ever asked in exchange for him. I used to think I would never afford on losing because I would not be strong enough to accept the hard truth.

But then it did not turn out so.

I never knew from what or where do I obtain the strength, but I understood my father's departure as something relieving. He taught me to never hold grudge towards people who hurt us. He taught me to forgive people first despite all the horrible things they might do. He taught me to help people when we are helpless. He taught me to be endearing to all kind of people, that we possess nothing but our capacity to do good deeds. He was and will always be there for me. In all times. His presence will forever be ingrained within me. His good deeds, laughter, warm handshake and hug, and his beautiful smile is within my heart. Filling every empty corner of me with his warmth presence. 

My mum told me Babeh's obligation in raising me and my brother has finished. And all his humanly tasks are all finished. And that because Babeh had been doing everything so well, Allah loves him more than any earthly creature could have and so Allah took him into a better place that he deserves. Close to Allah. Up there with all the good people. I understand that all the worldly things are temporary, and it is not just a comforting statement, because it really is. In the end of the day, what we should value from a person is not their physical being, its their deeds. It's the memories they worked to engrave, the impressions they build to be remembered, and the values they hold on so tight as their principle.

On November, I understood two things. First, at my absolute best, I would never be good enough for a wrong person, but at my worst, I will still be worth it for the right person. Second, there will be times in life when the departure of a person we love dearly adds a huge strength to us to improve as a better person. 

Dear Babeh,

I love you.