On Infinite Fear to Be Mediocre

I did not know that all the lights which once sparked, was meant to shape me into who I am today. I did not know it was so toxic, addictive, and leaving me in an inevitable state of emptiness. And as if I lost all the strong energy which fuelled me before, I begin to lose the colour in me. Three years ago, I might not worry about what kind of occupancy I’d have in the future, or if anything whether it gives impacts to the betterment of the world. I’m so dying of becoming someone significant in making the earth a better place. I’m longing of the desire to be selfless, and devote myself to the community. If anything, I am now dying for recognition and appreciation.

And I know it’s something really, really, bad.

I did not know it was the flight attendant’s voice which I yearn the most each time I close my eyes. Hoping to find another perhaps to cross the ocean, to cross the islands, to spread words and broaden networking. I did not know it was that yellow light of the airport’s terminal which triggers the sparks in my eyes. I did not know it was an exchange of “Hello, I’m Nisa from Indonesia” as a starting of a conversation which I love to repeat over days. Of compelling the courage within me to be extrovert, to be vibrant in conveying messages, to be confident, despite all the shortcomings I come to own. 

And I am yearning for another See You Soon in the Near Future.

And the promises keep on accumulating.

I did not know that letting the things I have been yearning for days would be this difficult. That it is indeed, almost is never enough. I did not know that the failure leave me living my shadow days. It’s hardly sunny ever since, it’s hardly convenient, and calming. I am in another state of being haunted by an infinite fear to be mediocre. And by fear, I literally refer to that sort of feeling which shivers down my spine and makes the tears stream down my face. I did not know that being content is so difficult.

I wish I knew

The missing puzzle of me

Which can make me become a whole

On my own.

And be content,

Of her own presence.