My Constant Attempt in Dealing with Sadness

Lately I've been trying to create a long to do list on the attempt of making myself happy and content. As my realization as an avid thinker growing more vivid than ever, I start to believe that in order for me to be happy, I have to be well-organized and get my to do list checked. But feelings, happen to be uncontrollable, which I psychologically hate as a thinker. I dislike something that holds a bigger amount of uncertainty and let my guards off. In an instant, I hate feeling powerless. Unfortunately, those happenings have become my daily dose of battle I got to fight. 

I wont simply surrender to my own feelings.

Sadness is like a wound we accept to feel. While some wound remained to be forgotten so the pain will go lessen, some wound happen to be poignant because we fail to find the cure. I am sad, for so many reasons. At times I wish eople would run to me and ask what is wrong but most of the times  I just want to spend a great amount of time in finding the remedy myself. I happen to think that I am dramaticizing my life as if it's a mellow drama I always need to cry upon for its unfortunate happenings, but lately I come to think that sadness is not a disease I have to cure. It is simply a state of denial towards stoicism assumption. However, today the wound cracks up, and a great amount of salt got mixed in between. It hurts, and it left me empty.

I always assume that whenever sadness attacks me, it has a somewhat relevancy with my monthly period, but when it does not, I bombarded myself with questions as to why I could experience those sort of feeling. I am well-aware that nothing is wrong with being sad or desperate. People say we have to embrace the sadness otherwise it will occur over and over again. I realize that I do not have whatsoever immune system in countering my sadness. It is not a virus, it is not a disease either. Most of the time it gives me a break for being numb of what I am supposed to feel in regards to various situations.

However today , I am sad for so many reasons. I am sad for realizing that there are the root causes of sadness I am unable to change. Like knowing that the person you like is currently growing his fondness towards someone else but you. Like bemoaning over the things you fail to achieve. Or failing to discover the progress within yourself. Humans are helpless towards the things that made them sad, and have a great potential to be a permanent guest in their daily life.

Being sad is the battle I cannot fight. 

At some points of life, I begin to believe that the root causes don't lie upon the mismatch between expectations and life events. It's the fact that I have yet made peace with my own self for her own shortcomings, or her customs for always hastily admire a person, or for never stop comparing herself with everyone, or for always having a desire to climb a higher mountain. I grow tired of myself. I always think that life has no its peak point, simply because we all are pushed with the old saying to always be better than yesterday. That being applied, we will eventually find ourselves in a deep exhaustion. And that too leads to a great sadness and despair. 

The feeling of wanted to be understood, listened, and recognised. Those three have so far made me poor in appreciating my own development and capacity. But what if I said, the hell with independency, I want to be understood without having to explain, to be listened without having to ask, to be recognised without having to be the attention seeker. 

That I, too, want to be wanted.

I, too, want to achieve my personal goals.

I, eventually, will grow tired of trying to be okay with everything. 

But they say we all are just a sack of meat with complicated emotions. Unfortunately, some sack of meat are so damn stupid in expressing their emotions while some being overly open book in acting the way they feel. 

I grow tired of denying.

Yes, I am sad. And I am telling myself to embrace the sadness.