(After years) It Emerges Again

I really don't know whether I am allowed to have this kind of feeling or not, but I assure you that I, myself, am dying to vanish it. To turn it into the void. I am brave enough to bet that most people judge other by their physical look first. But the thing is... different. This feeling is a kind of feeling I haven't experienced in years. Indescribable ones. Unreasonable ones. I am afraid to fathom this feeling deeper, or further, or just give a minute to figure out what in the world am I currently feeling. So here I go encouraging myself to at least write about it. For I know it best that writing is a remedy for an agony. I incisively decline to fall this quick. I do not want to be an awkward duck in front of people just because I have an interest on them. I want to talk about every thing I haven't talked in years. About government, religion, galaxy, the inevitable death, education, global issues, and what would we do tomorrow. I am dying for a deep conversations. I am knackered of talking about insignificant matters, those things don't stuck on my mind over nights, they just float away as the conversations end. I need a person who is in favor to know me up to my cracks.Who will still talk to me even though they know how slobber I am. How silly I am. How quirk I am. How I happen to talk like a broken radio every time I feel click with a person. And those are what I am looking for now. Just a friend whose words can be heartwarming and a slap at the same time. a friend who'll talk for hours over a glass of thai tea. A friend who will laugh over my silliness but then they'd be grateful for being able to laugh. I want to be a reason of a smile before the eyes shut. I want to dwell on thought during seconds before sleep. I want to be a reason on why a cloudy morning can still encourage them to start a day. Those might be too wishful at this time being. But there is this story of people show up in a blink of an eye anyway. So the impossible can never be proven right. And to whom do I write this to, might be an enigma to anyone.

Dear pals, wish me a ton of lucks, would you? :)