August 26, 2011

I want....

Two weeks from now on, I will be sixteenth. I never get excited towards my birthday, since i'm 12th. Everything is just, flat. Should i say so? It's not that i wish for a birthday-bash, or a surprise from my bestfriends, or a thousand messages on my phone right when i wake up. It's just that i think my knowledge, about my own self, isn't improving.

The more I get older, the more i know that I'm just an ordinary teenage alive. So what if i'm ordinary? The thing is, i want to be the extra one. I wanna achieve so many things in my life, eventhough i'm still fifteenth. I want to be a good writer, at least i want my writings get published in some newspaper or magazines, but the thing is, i'm not good enough for it.

I always think that i'm good in Languages. But compare to another people, my skill is barely a zigot. Which hasn't qualified to get a birth. I effort everything, I watch movies with english subtitles, I buy bilingual math-books, i read english article, and i even try listening to song and guessing the lyrics. But, there's still nothing to be proud of. You know, when people start to think they are good in something, they really are. Because they have given their best, and that's what they deserve. But when people say that they haven't tried their best, they really haven't. Because a good thing; a great result comes along the suffocating sacrifice.

Back to myself, until this far, i analyze myself as the most selfish human alive. I don't get along with good things so easily; that also happens to my to-do-list-things. I disappointed at myself, so much. That i always procrastinate things. That I always be sloppy. And creating another regret, and regret, and regret. 

My dream, is to make people feel happy whenever they're with me. To make them forget what sadness is when they're with me. I want to be a smile-machine, so when i'm sad, i can remember a plenty happy-faces i saw when i was with them. By then, i will tell myself that who else would be a smile-machine for myself if it's not me? 

I don't want to depend, or rely my life on anybody, but myself and Allah.

Because life these days, too cruel to be believed in.

Less than three,


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