life in this fourth term has been depressing yet challenging. These past weeks had made me experience how does it feel to be in some body else's shoes. How to refrain myself from becoming the last person I want to meet. From being the immature, boring Anisa.
No, self, you can do better.
These past weeks had left me wonder what if I do the things I otherwise do? What if, in facing with my problem, I chose the most favorable one to satisfy my ego, rather than opted for the Should Have(s)?
But I did not.
These past weeks had taught me much about the characteristics of people you are going to encounter. And left me empty, yet flooded with thousands "Does my personality incline to that?" And this question has blurred the Should Have(s) because even though I keep on rejecting, I know that the answer is not preferable.
I know that my insecurity is currently on its highest peak. I know that I am going to live within it unless I start completing my long awaited must-to-do-lists. But I did not. The fact that I can no longer write down what I am feeling as easy as I used to reflects that yea, I am not in a suitable condition to be faced with a heart-racing moments. I am not ready to face critics and rejection. I am not ready to overhear a conversation about the parallel example which indirectly relate to how bad I am. For all it's worth, I know I am so close to the edge.
I might fall the next second.
In fact I almost did last week. But I keep denying that I am unable to stand up. I keep on overestimating myself. I know it is frustrating. But of all the friends whom you share everything with, you know that you never really share everything. Because certain things are better left unsaid. Because certain doubts are better left unexposed. Because certain hatreds are better buried. But you never really know how much you can tackle. And I believe this time I am about to loathe.
The last two weeks I remember I tweeted, "I am longing for an ordinary days without any surprising occurance" But I guess I have been too used to it. The days I am living for this two weeks had put me in my unproductive days and it frustrates me. Having nothing to be excited with. Having no challenging deadlines. having to go beyond my comfort zone.
I abhor the facts that I am not developing to a better character.
The fact is living too long within my comfort zone no longer comforts me. Eventhough I did not do really well in my academics these days but I am not bothered by it. (Still uncertain about what will happen later tho)
But I know the fault does not solely lie within the ordinary days I am having. But the fact that I have not been istiqamah in my prayer, goals, and the fact that I am not able to endure struggling with the things I disdain too long are the primary source to my frequent worries.
I hope this can stop.