Mirror

Exactly two weeks ago, I was waiting at Don Muang Airport, with my right hand holding trolley and my left hand carried a cup of frappucino greentea while talking to Nurul via Line. I told her I was sad, very, very, sad.

the last trip I had never left me empty and gave me an unbearable denial to go back to my home.

this time I feel like I belong.

And I do not think that I dramatise this, it really is what I felt or feel. The whole trip was such a blessing for me. I was notified that I got accepted to represent Indonesia in ASEAN Students' Forum on Human Rights, Chulalongkorn University, Bangkok, Thailand, with full accomodation. At first I was distressed, how aboout the airfare ticket? I do not want to burden my parents again this time. So I asked kak Ines about reimbursemenr from Rektorat. Five days before my departure, I got my airfare ticket reimbursed, I am all ready to go, Alhamdulillah.

But departure has always left me with a guilty feeling of being a useless daughter to my parents, for being such an underachiever, for wanting to run all the way back to the lounge and hug them. But then I made a promise to myself that I should make them proud and do my best throughout the conference. All along the flight, I found myself stay awake, since I got to sit near an emergency door. Fortunately, it didn't last long, I was able to sleep for a while and woke up knowing that the plane would arrive earlier. As I got off, I befriended with a Philipino, she was such a witty person and very caring for accompanying me until I met Oay. Now that I think about her, I wonder how is she doing? 

Anyway, the key about this trip is self-reflection. I met friends across ASEAN Countries who have an outstanding background and experiences which pretty much left me feeling miserable. Not only they are smart, they also are very debonair, nice, and friend-able haha. I am really lucky to be given a chance to encounter them. Throughout the event, I dicovered issues I have to fix from myself;

1. Friendly

I used to be a person who refuse to start a conversation. but at that time, I pushed myself so that I could know as many people as possible by starting a conversation with whoever walk or sit beside me, I also did not get occupied with mu cellphone. I tried my best to talk like a broken radio, asking this and that, especially when I was at the Bus and on my way to the Law faculty, Baat and Thao were the two people who suffered the most by answering my questions. But then I realised I gained much than I ever had. I now know things I would not find out in newspaper regarding issues in each ASEAN' countries, I know their perspective regarding politics, ethnic conflict, their government, their standpoint about ASEAN itself, cultural values, and their longing to visit Indonesia :p 

2. Confidence

Self-confidence has always been my issue, in every event I participate, I always feel like I am lacking in everything. Everytime I want to deliver a speech, I am confronted with an insecurity of grammatical error, of people who wont pay attention to what I am saying, of being afraid about my substantial matters, of me not being attractive enough to deliver the speech. I have always been confronted with an insecurity. It is like i am being imprisoned with my own fear of not being as pretty as people expect me to. I always have this kind of mindset that people will just want to talk to the pretty. Therefore I would always end up being an antisocial. Each time I stand in the podium, I always feel like my body is too not proportional, or my hijab does not match my shirt, or my glasses infringe people to see the sincerity within my eyes, or....they just give up to look at me because I am not a beauty.

however, it is true that being not confidence hinders good things that may happen to you. I begin to realise (slowly, hopefully sure) that some people may care about how you look, but most of them will care much more to what you could offer them; a continuous conversation? an interesting personality? or a very inspiring one? Most of the time (and I just realise it) (sorry for using realise too frequent) people will stick to you because you are comfortable to hang out with, or your personality clicks with them. And most of the time, it is the tone of your speaking which will attract the audience to what we are trying to convey, it is the way we move our hands, as if we are involving them within our speech, which will keep them focus.

And just smile. Because it's effortless and contagious.

3. Ego

Too often, I want to prioritise myself on top of everything. Everytime I found out some of my friends are in need of help, the first thing I do had always been "Will it benefit me? Do I get enough already on that particular matter?" Screw it. Being dependent to the desire of wanting to get something in return everytime I give something will take me nowhere but disappointment. Help them as long as you are capable to do so, help them because you decide to, help them because it is not an option. I remember I stumbled on Baat's writing on his volunteer activity, and the prologue was

When you are helpless, help people. - Au San Suu Kyi.

Many of my friends I encountered back in Bangkok taught me so many things in regards of this issue. Baat, Jib, Thao, Luci, and the others had given me insights to quit asking should I but instead How can I help you? there was this time I remember the most and had pretty much hit me since the I time I packed my luggage, it was 2 am in the morning, we were strolling around Chatuchak Market, and I caught Baat frequently rubbing his eyes, yawning, and stretching. and then I asked him 

"You can wait somewhere and get some foods, we are fine by ourselves,"

"No, I am fine, its one more block and we will finish! it'd be such a waste if we haven't strolled all the blocks here"

"Why do you insist on accompanying us? I know that you just had sleepless nights.."

"Nisa, you need to start to think more about other people more than about yourself. Therefore, lately I tried to stay awake as much as possible and work harder so that I can help more people in the future"

And there I was, wonderstrucked by his remarks, and all I could manage to say was "WAAA DID I JUST HAVE BAAT101?" I know right. it is very simple yet very hard to be acted upon. Especially for a sleepyhead like me. I love sleep more than anything, but now I fathom that I can do so many valuable things if I manage to only sleep for 3 hours a day. I could do night praying, studying, reading quran, pray shubuh earlier, have my assignments finish beforehand, and read more news. So that during the day, I will not worry about my personal matter because I have finished it, I can do many valuable things for people, simple thing that matters. We never know the thing we take for granted means a life for others.

4. Ambitious

Most of the poeple I know  are very experienced in conference, they know what they want to do and put an effort on it. They believe in everything they do will actually make a change. for better. They are also very passionate and ambitious. My roommate, Tania, stayed up all night to do her assignment, P'Jib take so many subjects though she is already a final year student, Baat even sleep in a coffee shop to prepare for his presentation, Thao was an alumnae of Global Ugrad and is very smart in analysing each cases. And me....I even skipped my class last tuesday only because I had migrain. Duh. But the thing is I wont be hurt by people calling me ambitious because it does no harm to them and moreover it is no longer counted as greedy because other people who are the same age as us probably are staying up all night at the library writing essay to be published in an international journal and they don't even whine or post anything that indicate that they are tired or they study so hard. they work in silence, and they let the success makes the noise.

There are actually many things I gain, many lessons I have yet comprehend, many questions remain unansweres. It was pretty much heartbreaking because on my way to the airport, I was crying in the taxi  for being afraid to be frauded, and the only thing I am sure with is that I am missing my friends. Like literally.

But hey, this time I am fully sure that I will visit them in their home country in a real soon!